I absorb pain.
My husband asked me the other day what I was thinking about while we
were out to dinner. I told him I couldn’t stop thinking about the young mother
who was so frustrated with her small daughter while she was texting that she
slapped her daughter in the face. I guess the text message was more important
than listening to her daughter’s plea for help with her zipper. I absorbed the
pain of the blow. It still felt fresh on my face hours later and I felt the
little girl’s pain and anguish. Nobody at the store around her seemed to notice
including my husband. In fact, he told me “when did that happen? I didn’t
notice that.”
I somehow absorb pain. I wish I didn’t.
When others don’t hear a child’s cry, I do. When other’s don’t see abuse, I see
it. When others don’t hear someone calling for help, I do. I hate it. I wish I
could go numb. I used to numb out this pain with pain itself. But I can’t
anymore. Maybe God wants me to see others pain so I can help them. Maybe he
wants me to feel it, so I can reach out to them. I don’t know why. I don’t like
absorbing other’s pain. It hurts.
When pain hurts so much you do stupid
things or say stupid things.
Abuse drives you down a road you never
thought you would go.
I want to take my pain and change
things for the better, like laws and stuff. But who really knows how to do
that.
I
guess ordinary people don’t, but then again maybe an ordinary person can make a
difference.
On
a good day, I want to change the world.
On
a bad day, I am a broken girl with a bunch of pain.
But
I care about people and I want to help somebody……I don’t want to see pain
anymore….feel pain anymore…..
I hope you can overcome your pain and i'm sure you are helping others and yourself through this blog. You and your sisters are strong and independent and you will overcome the abuser who had no right to call himself a father.
ReplyDeleteThe only way to heal is to forgive. As difficult as that seems, especially when we are feeling the pain RIGHT NOW!!! it can be done. Keep talking, Girl. I love you.
ReplyDeleteAunt Judy
What is this talk of "forgive"? In my experience, it is usually code for "quit talking about the abuse; it makes us all uncomfortable. Maybe the poster above feels guilty for not doing more to help? Anyway, true forgiveness does not involve minimizing or forgetting or not feeling. Buddy Wakefield put it best, "Forgiveness is letting go of all hope for a better past." It is not a magic cure all.
ReplyDeleteYou are tender-hearted towards other abused children now. Use it for good. Take up for slapped children. Even if it doesn't stop mom, it says to the child "You deserve to be treated with respect and love; it is wrong for your abuser to hit you." Change things for the better in small ways, by smiling at a slapped little girl and saying, "Sometimes I need help with my zipper too. You shouldn't be hit when you need help." You don't have to change the law; with one small gesture you could change a life. That counts for a lot.
I notice things like that too, that other people don't seem to notice. I think we are more sensitive to it because of what we went through. People like us make the world a better place, because we see what is really going on!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteShadowspring, thank you for the kind advice. It really helped me. I am going to try to start using my pain to help those who I see are in pain.
ReplyDeleteAunt Judy, I do understand what you mean. Thank you for your email. "Letting go" of pain is probably a better term. Sexual abuse can never really be "forgiven."
Fransesca: I agree! It's hard though not to continue feeling as a victim. I admire you for becoming a CNA and helping others.
Brenda: Thank you for your kind remarks and all your help! It means so much to us.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I too often see the pain that others go through and "absorb" it. There have been days when I wish I didn't feel, but there are days I know it has been a blessing to feel despite the pain. Somehow we trust in God and we push through. It is amazing what one person can do when they set their mind to action. You and your sisters are doing something that will help others from becoming victims. Thank you for all you are doing.
ReplyDeleteI never knew that this ever happened. I realized that after the other two children left a few years ago that something must have happned for all the children to leave but never imaged it was due to what you have been talking about. I will pray for you and your family. God Bless!
ReplyDeleteForgiveness is given when the one who did the wrong 1- admits they did wrong 2-says they will change it and 3-asks for forgiveness for the named wrong. Your healing is NOT dependent on your "forgiving" someone who a- doesn't admit they sinned against you b-does a blanket forgive me for everything statement. In fact your healing isn't dependent on them acknowleging they sinned against you at all. Most likely they won't anyway. Asking God to help you move on is the only way. You won't forget what happened, but it won't be there all the time. Eventually, it's not a constant.The pain will stop, though it can pop upnow and again. I know because I've lived it.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that it is the daughters that are speaking up. I wonder about the sons. Are they better treated? Have different rules, or is it the "tough guy" thing not to talk? I was an abused boy in my home, and I do wonder (worry) about the young men who stay there. In your postings, I only heard mention of the one who is studying to be a priest being told that he cannot drive a car, or as a punishment cannot go to daily mass. In spite of my upbringing, I, too, remain a deeply religious person. I hope that anyone who remains there, son, daughter or even wife can get away and find courage to speak up. I fear for your father's soul. If he is not given the grace to face human justice in this life, and a chance to see how wrong he was...he is in deep peril for his soul, and needs prayer.
ReplyDelete